My last year on the computer

> > SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER I must send my thanks to whoever
> > sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have
> > to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
> >
> > Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
> > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
> > Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
> > I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
> > $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
> > in their special e-mail program.
> >
> > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
> > for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
> >
> > I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
> > freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
> > buffalo on a hot day
> > Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
> > forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
> >
> > Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
> > toilet stains.
> > I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
> > a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
> >
> > I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
> > products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
> >
> > I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
> > And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup water in the microwave
> > anymore because it will blow up in my face . disfiguring me for life.
> >
> > I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
> > with a needle infected with AIDS.
> > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
> > perfume sample and rob me.
> > I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
> > Qaeda in disguise.
> > I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our
> > American troops or the Salvation Army.
> > I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
> > for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
> > , and Uzbekistan ..
> >
> > I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my
> > free replacement pair from Nike.
> > I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
> > recipe.
> > Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown
> > African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
> > bites my butt.
> >
> > Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.. I can
> > live a better life now because he’s told us how to fix everything.
> >
> > And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
> > the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
> > waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
> >
> > Oh, and don’t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car
> > because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
> > If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
> > minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
> > afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
> > grow a hairy hump. Lice from 50 monkeys will infest your armpits and other
> > private areas, causing such itching you will not be allowed to be in mixed
> > company, because of your rude scratching patterns, I know this will occur
> > because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
> > ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…
> >
> > Have a wonderful day.